Still here....with a little perspective

Okay, first and foremost I want to thank everyone who posted a comment here or on FB, emailed, or called after my last blog entry. Every single one of them meant so much to me, truly from the bottom of my heart. I knew then that I was not alone....that I was not a bad mom....and that it would be ok.

I had never been told, or realized, that it was okay to feel the way I felt when I last blogged. I had never had other women tell me that there were days that they didn't love being a mom, that they lost some of who they were, and that they weren't always the perfect family. No one ever wants to say that....but I did.

So, to read comments from all of these amazing women who were going through some of the same things I was helped me immensely. It validates that it's not just you, that it is hard, and that it is worth it. I just can't help but wonder why it is not spoken of more often. Why is it not okay to talk about the struggles that come with all of the good?? Why is it not okay to say that you feel restless and that you are struggling to maintain the you that you need with the you that is a mom, wife, sister, daughter and friend??

And, with all of this validation comes some perspective as well. I have SO much. My children are mainly healthy and happy. And, I have a loving husband. I have a lot. And, I am grateful for all that I have. Because with out my family, both the struggles and the joy, would disappear.

So, I am still here. I am still working through the stuff that I spewed out last time. I have not jumped off a bridge as I am guessing some of you were starting to wonder. I am way too stubborn to give up on something as good as what I have.

Lost

Okay, first warning, this one is going to be a deep and/or long post...

Lost is the only word to describe how I am feeling these days. I am making choices that even I don't understand. I am allowing people to put their pain on me, when I don't even have the ability to carry more right now. Who am I ? How can I feel lost? How is that even possible when I am surrounded by amazing, incredible people?!? How can I just feel restless, unsettled, and like something is missing? What is going on?

The past year has been a rough one, I am not going to lie. There has been a lot to work through with the girls and a lot for Ron and I too. The economy is doing us no favors given the job sectors we both work in, and I won't lie, it hasn't been fun. It's been survival mode...just get through the day...the week...the month. We have had fun, good, wonderful times too, it's not that. But just under the surface the worry, fear, hesitation bubbles up. And, I can't quiet it....no matter how hard I try. And, trust me, I am trying....and praying... and praying.

But, more than that, I feel lost. I feel like I have lost who I am and what I want on the journey to our family. And, I don't resent that, I knew that being a mom meant sacrifices, I just didn't know that losing me was one of them. And, so I have been working to recreate time for me, starting with taking time to take care of myself..which translates to...the gym. A simple step right?!? But, it has been one of the hardest so far. It seems so selfish, and make me get home even later, and sometimes I don't even get home in time to see the girls. Yet, I know that I have to and that I am doing the right thing. I need to take care of me, so that I can take care of them. A simple truth that rings in my ears when I start to doubt my decision. And there is progress, slowly but surely, there is progress. I have left behind 50 lbs of self doubt so far this year and know that there is more to go.

But, beyond the physical there is so much more. So much has changed within, over the course of the last 5+ years. How do you get the rest back? How do I get back that totally self-confident person who didn't doubt anything...ever? How can I come to terms with situations I will never fully understand that impact my life daily? How do I really accept that not everyone will like me(or the choices that I make), and that it's ok? How do I finally realize that the people I really need will always be there? How do I learn to feel settled in the life (and number of children) I have, even though my heart is pulling me in a different direction?

I know that I am not alone, and that many people struggle with the same things. But, I don't want to struggle any more. I want to move past, I want to move forward. I don't want to feel lost. So, I hold on to the most important things I have...three of them...and know that we will get through this....together.

Holy Bigness!

Holy bigness!! I braided my sweet girls hair today, and suddenly she looked big. I looked at her when I was done, and saw this beautiful little girl...a girl! Not a baby, toddler, or even pre-schooler (which she is!!).....she looks like a girl. Eeek...she isn't even 5 yet. How has this happened? This momma isn't ready yet. Sigh! But isn't she gorgeous??

Oh, and her hair has gotten long...crazy long. She LOVES it!

Overdressed for the party

Today was just tooo nice to not take a few minutes to go outside when we got home. The girls were still in their dress clothes, but who cares when there are leaves to kick, running to do, and a trampoline full of leaves calling your name.
Kya was not in a super cooperative mood, but I got a few pictures of her. But, my Makenna appreciates the opportunity to move more than most, and it is evident on her whole face when she gets the chance. Pure joy comes out of her. I LOVE that most!

(perhaps my fave pic of the day--this is the real Makenna-pure joy)

Ummmmm

I couldn't find the right words to create a title to this post, and I have no idea what moved me to post it tonight. I have neglected this blog horribly for the past six months, and to come back is actually really hitting me tonight. Tears are pouring down my face as I type and I don't know how to explain why. Hmmm

Where have we been? Here, right here. But, there have been some things to work through that just felt too big to blog about. But, in the end, we find our way through and new normals are created. And, so I am back. Hopefully for good.

So much has happened since I have really last blogged, so I may try to touch on those things as well. But, mostly it will be going forward...looking to the future and working it out.

The biggest changes have happened with my sweet girls. They are big, so, so, so big. Wow, it is amazing how time flies.

Makenna...my sweet girl. September marked three huge events for Miss Makenna. 1) School

2) one year anniversary since we started sensory therapy; 3) glasses

Makenna starting pre-K was a huge source of anxiety for me because I knew that it would push her to her limits as far as holding it together. And, for the first month she really struggled, but we have seen some progress and she seems to be enjoying it more. The 1/2 day option was a good start for her, and by the time she gets picked up she is ready to go and MOVE. We also hit the 1 year mark for therapy and I can't believe how fast that has gone. She has come a long, long way and I pray every day that those improvements never stop until she hits her true potential. Finding a way to tap into the amazing kid she is inside is my constant quest. I am honored to be her mom. And, the glasses. They came out of nowhere and had mama's head spinning. But, aren't they cute?

Kya...my precious baby. September marked another big for our family. It marked the two year anniversary of Kya's coming home. My sweet baby is still sensitive, and needs love and reassurance that we aren't going anywhere, especially since her sister went to school., but she has come SO far since she came into our arms and hears. Her snuggles are more frequent and her path never strays far from those she trusts, but she loves like no other. And, as we all settle into a new routine she is realizing that she gets a little more one-on-one this way and loves that! She is really such a sweet little soul and love watching her really come into her own, in all her two-year old glory! I am eternally grateful for the opportunity to be her mom.

So there it is. I have no good reason for staying away other than it just wasn't right. But, I miss my blog, I miss the people I have met through it, and I miss their families. And, with that...we are back.

Big Girl

There is a girl who has decided that it's better to wear her underwear on the inside of her clothes, rather than the outside. Someone has decided she is most ready to be a big girl, and most days does a great job. Wow, time is flying!

Daisy Daze- Part 2

And, just a few more because I couldn't resist and because we were out in the daisies twice this year. Neither time was I prepared, or have kids dressed in the "perfect outfits" or even have their hair done. It was a spontaneous trip out on the 4 wheelers to my parents acreage. Yet, in the end, I love these pictures because it reminds of the beauty that surrounds me everyday when I take the time to slow down and enjoy it.

Aren't they looking big all of a sudden??!??