Loss

April 3, 2009 my grandmother passed away. The loss was devastating and left me feeling vulnerable and exposed, and just not ready to blog. Sorry for the silence.

In early March she was hospitalized, and through some difficult series of events, came home to live out her remaining time where she felt comfortable. It was a choice that she made. She knew that by coming home, she was refusing the treatments that would extend her life. She chose quality over quantity. A choice that for me was incredibly difficult to understand initially, but I knew I was being selfish and that I wasn't ready to let her go. So, we knew that she would maybe only had a month or two at best. We knew rationally that every time we said good-bye it could be the last. But, rational thinking is hard is circumstances like this. So, every time we saw her (and we saw her as often as we could) we told her how much we loved her and how much she meant to us every time. Most visits would end with tears, but tears that were filled with love. Her final days were filled with visits from friends, family, all of her children, grandchildren and great-grand children. She was never alone. She was loved.

But, the most difficult part was that I knew that the girls would feel the sting of this loss too. They weren't in my life when I lost my grandfather 5 years ago, so that pain I took on alone. This time they were involved. They had an incredible relationship with their great-grandma and adored her-Makenna especially. It was sweet and amazing to witness. She loved them unconditionally and exceptionally. She loved all in that manner. The girls were among the last ones who spoke to her before she passed. She had been sleeping all morning and heard them come into the room and woke up. They got to kiss her, say they loved her and hear her say that she loved them too. It was heartbreaking, but I was so glad they got to have that with her.

So, a heavy heart was holding me down. Just last week the fog finally cleared when Ron and I got away for a few days and had a much needed reprieve. Time heals, even though you never forget. I will miss her every day of my life, but have a faith that holds out the hope of seeing her again. Better days will come!

Bubba & Forrest

The girls wanted yogurt and I said that they could have a picnic in the living room on Kya's blanket. I gave them their yogurts and sent them to the living room. I just about died laughing when I came in and saw them like this. I asked Makenna why they were sitting like this and she looked at me with the "duh mom" look. "Because we don't want to get in the mud, we make each other chairs" she said. Ummm, okay I don't see the mud and I know they have never seen Forrest Gump, so I have no idea where she came up with this. These two crack me up!

Overloaded

That is how I am feeling these days. Life is coming at me faster than I can take hold of it. I have hesitated to post, because I fear it will all sound negative and I do not want that. But, at last I can not hold it in any longer.

One of the big things is Makenna. I love that girl more than I can say, but she is a HANDFUL! Truly, she and Kya are my soul. But, lately Makenna has really been struggling with her behavior issues associated with her Sensory Processing Disorder.
I was naive in my understanding of what SPD really was when they first said that Makenna had it. I thought it would be this quick thing that we would do some OT for, and it would be all good in a couple of months. Of course, I was wrong in that thinking. She had so many behaviors and challenges that we compensated for, that we didn't realize some of the areas that she was struggling in. And, she has come a long way since she started, but we have so much further to go. And, with pre-school coming this fall, I just am starting to worry that she will really struggle with school based on her current behaviors.

Her biggest challenges are her frustration level, aggravated by a very short attention span and her EXCESSIVE energy. Not just a 4 yr old energy level, but like you gave said 4 yr old an energy drink or 12. It is crazy. And, we have gotten very creative in our output choices and really try to find the outlets that she so craves. She needs jumping (trampoline), swinging (now indoor and out), spinning, and heavy pushing, pulling, or carrying something like a weighted backpack. It provides good input and grounds her.We do brushing and joint compression as well. But, the need to find that input is constant, and it wears a momma down.

The worst part is that I know that there are parents who are struggling with so many other things and would love to see their child run and jump and spin, so I feel guilty for even feel annoyed by the constant need for movement. I feel guilty now for even saying all of this, but I have to.

And, just within the last week we have gotten feedback from her therapist that she has even struggled at therapy with inattentiveness, and just being a little less cooperative. So, we are now considering a diet change. We have decided to attempt a gluten-free diet first, with a possible dairy free diet down the line if necessary. Again, I am overwhelmed and stumbling into a whole new world that I know nothing about. I have spent hours online reading, researching and learning. Today I went shopping for some of the gluten free basics, and now feel ready to start this challenge. But, any ideas or input are welcome.

I guess it just comes down to the fact that I want to do the best thing that I can for her, but I feel like I don't always know what that is. It's so unfair to her to struggle like she does with some things, but I can't take that away and it is paralyzing to me at times. I pray everyday that she grows up realizing that I did the best I could, but will that be good enough????

Hair, Hair, Hair-The After Show

Eeek! 2+weeks between posts--sorry about that.

This is a quick update and the answer to some questions that were posted in the comments on our previous post. Sorry it took so long to answer them. First, I learned to do hair by trial and error. Makenna came home completely bald, so I had time. I joined a Yahoo group for Hair and Skincare, and gleaned a lot of informatin from there. But, for me, it just comes down to doing it. So, I have learned by doing Makenna's hair. My firm belief is that anyone can learn, it might take some longer than others, but you will find your groove. And, even after almost 4 years, I am not always happy with how it turns out when I do it.

Second, in regards to how we did Kya's hair in the coils, it's SO easy. I just divide her head into small boxes, like you would for box braids. Then, instead of braiding, I smooth gel, or hair butter through that small section of hair, comb through it once, and then just coil the section of hair around my finger counter clockwise like you would do if you were twirling your hair. Just twirl until it forms the curl and viola! It's so easy even my husband took her hair out of the parts and re-did the style on his own--a definite first for him. I have done this same style with Makenna's hair when she was younger and it always was a favorite. The more hair texture the better it stays, but even with Kya's really soft texture it lasts at least a week. Quick and easy!

Third, this is the product of our most recent braiding session, and my lovely girl is certain EVERYONE wants to see her "rainbow hair".-from every angle none the less(can you tell I have a little helper sitting on my lap while I type this). I am very happy she is proud of her hair, but sometimes I wonder how her head fits through the door. :) I had no idea what I was going to do when we started, but it turned out to be some angled (all diff't angles) cornrows. She loves it, so I am happy.

Hair, Hair, Hair

I took Makenna's hair out last night and put Kya's hair in. Makenna's cornrows has lasted over 5 weeks-woo hoo! I remember the days when a hair-do only lasted a few days, maybe a week. And, because of Kya's hair texture, or lack thereof, I don't always put hers into a longer lasting type of style. But, I am so glad I did, because she LOVED it! She looked at herself and just giggled. I haven't finished it, but for now it's just in little coils. Here she is a year ago with just a little hair, and now:

And, Makenna's hair is just incredible. It has grown so much and is really getting long. It stretches to halfway down her back! She loves having an afro and thinks she is the most beautiful girl in the world when she is rocking her 'fro. Recently she went up to an Ethiopian lady(unprompted) while we were at dinner and told her how beautiful her hair was(she had a huge, gorgeous afro), she was completely in awe of her and just kept saying how pretty she was. I am REALLY hoping that this love for her natural hair does not fade with time. I love to see her that proud of her hair. Here are pics from Feb 2007, Feb 2008 and now Feb 2009. Look at the amount of growth! And, I can guarantee it's at least 2-3 times thicker too. Love it!

Blog Tag

I was blog tagged by a couple of fellow bloggers, so here we go!

Here are the rules:

1. Go to the 4th folder where you keep your pictures on your computer.

2. Post the 4th picture in the folder.

3. Explain the photo.

4. Tag 4 fellow bloggers to join in the fun!

This is a picture of Makenna and I right after she got home. We were at CHSFS and this is her smiling at Jan Simon. Jan had been in Ethiopia a few weeks before we travelled and had given us some updates and took some pictures of Makenna for us, so we had decided to pay her a visit so she could see how much she had grown. I am glad she warned us, because she was so tiny! Man, that feels like an eternity ago. But, she still has the best smile doesn't she????

Now, I tag:

Shonna

Mama Papaya

Kerry

Christina

Scary stuff

Sorry for the silence. Things have been a little off this past week. The girls went to the International Adoption Clinic at the U of M for our annual appointment. We have chosen to take them once a year, because our local pediatrician just isn't as familiar with some of the issues that we face. During that appointment we mentioned a couple of concerns about Kya and the doctor confirmed that there were some concerns that we need to address. And, one of them is very, very, scary to a momma who isn't used to taking her kiddos to medical procedures. We aren't quite ready to go into detail until we find out what, if anything, is going on. Please just keep us in your thoughts.

My sweet girl has already had a rough road, so I am praying that nothing big is going on. I love, love, love this crazy little girl.