Still here....with a little perspective

Okay, first and foremost I want to thank everyone who posted a comment here or on FB, emailed, or called after my last blog entry. Every single one of them meant so much to me, truly from the bottom of my heart. I knew then that I was not alone....that I was not a bad mom....and that it would be ok.

I had never been told, or realized, that it was okay to feel the way I felt when I last blogged. I had never had other women tell me that there were days that they didn't love being a mom, that they lost some of who they were, and that they weren't always the perfect family. No one ever wants to say that....but I did.

So, to read comments from all of these amazing women who were going through some of the same things I was helped me immensely. It validates that it's not just you, that it is hard, and that it is worth it. I just can't help but wonder why it is not spoken of more often. Why is it not okay to talk about the struggles that come with all of the good?? Why is it not okay to say that you feel restless and that you are struggling to maintain the you that you need with the you that is a mom, wife, sister, daughter and friend??

And, with all of this validation comes some perspective as well. I have SO much. My children are mainly healthy and happy. And, I have a loving husband. I have a lot. And, I am grateful for all that I have. Because with out my family, both the struggles and the joy, would disappear.

So, I am still here. I am still working through the stuff that I spewed out last time. I have not jumped off a bridge as I am guessing some of you were starting to wonder. I am way too stubborn to give up on something as good as what I have.

Lost

Okay, first warning, this one is going to be a deep and/or long post...

Lost is the only word to describe how I am feeling these days. I am making choices that even I don't understand. I am allowing people to put their pain on me, when I don't even have the ability to carry more right now. Who am I ? How can I feel lost? How is that even possible when I am surrounded by amazing, incredible people?!? How can I just feel restless, unsettled, and like something is missing? What is going on?

The past year has been a rough one, I am not going to lie. There has been a lot to work through with the girls and a lot for Ron and I too. The economy is doing us no favors given the job sectors we both work in, and I won't lie, it hasn't been fun. It's been survival mode...just get through the day...the week...the month. We have had fun, good, wonderful times too, it's not that. But just under the surface the worry, fear, hesitation bubbles up. And, I can't quiet it....no matter how hard I try. And, trust me, I am trying....and praying... and praying.

But, more than that, I feel lost. I feel like I have lost who I am and what I want on the journey to our family. And, I don't resent that, I knew that being a mom meant sacrifices, I just didn't know that losing me was one of them. And, so I have been working to recreate time for me, starting with taking time to take care of myself..which translates to...the gym. A simple step right?!? But, it has been one of the hardest so far. It seems so selfish, and make me get home even later, and sometimes I don't even get home in time to see the girls. Yet, I know that I have to and that I am doing the right thing. I need to take care of me, so that I can take care of them. A simple truth that rings in my ears when I start to doubt my decision. And there is progress, slowly but surely, there is progress. I have left behind 50 lbs of self doubt so far this year and know that there is more to go.

But, beyond the physical there is so much more. So much has changed within, over the course of the last 5+ years. How do you get the rest back? How do I get back that totally self-confident person who didn't doubt anything...ever? How can I come to terms with situations I will never fully understand that impact my life daily? How do I really accept that not everyone will like me(or the choices that I make), and that it's ok? How do I finally realize that the people I really need will always be there? How do I learn to feel settled in the life (and number of children) I have, even though my heart is pulling me in a different direction?

I know that I am not alone, and that many people struggle with the same things. But, I don't want to struggle any more. I want to move past, I want to move forward. I don't want to feel lost. So, I hold on to the most important things I have...three of them...and know that we will get through this....together.