Sunday, December 6, 2009


Okay, first warning, this one is going to be a deep and/or long post...

Lost is the only word to describe how I am feeling these days. I am making choices that even I don't understand. I am allowing people to put their pain on me, when I don't even have the ability to carry more right now. Who am I ? How can I feel lost? How is that even possible when I am surrounded by amazing, incredible people?!? How can I just feel restless, unsettled, and like something is missing? What is going on?

The past year has been a rough one, I am not going to lie. There has been a lot to work through with the girls and a lot for Ron and I too. The economy is doing us no favors given the job sectors we both work in, and I won't lie, it hasn't been fun. It's been survival mode...just get through the day...the week...the month. We have had fun, good, wonderful times too, it's not that. But just under the surface the worry, fear, hesitation bubbles up. And, I can't quiet matter how hard I try. And, trust me, I am trying....and praying... and praying.

But, more than that, I feel lost. I feel like I have lost who I am and what I want on the journey to our family. And, I don't resent that, I knew that being a mom meant sacrifices, I just didn't know that losing me was one of them. And, so I have been working to recreate time for me, starting with taking time to take care of myself..which translates to...the gym. A simple step right?!? But, it has been one of the hardest so far. It seems so selfish, and make me get home even later, and sometimes I don't even get home in time to see the girls. Yet, I know that I have to and that I am doing the right thing. I need to take care of me, so that I can take care of them. A simple truth that rings in my ears when I start to doubt my decision. And there is progress, slowly but surely, there is progress. I have left behind 50 lbs of self doubt so far this year and know that there is more to go.

But, beyond the physical there is so much more. So much has changed within, over the course of the last 5+ years. How do you get the rest back? How do I get back that totally self-confident person who didn't doubt anything...ever? How can I come to terms with situations I will never fully understand that impact my life daily? How do I really accept that not everyone will like me(or the choices that I make), and that it's ok? How do I finally realize that the people I really need will always be there? How do I learn to feel settled in the life (and number of children) I have, even though my heart is pulling me in a different direction?

I know that I am not alone, and that many people struggle with the same things. But, I don't want to struggle any more. I want to move past, I want to move forward. I don't want to feel lost. So, I hold on to the most important things I have...three of them...and know that we will get through this....together.


Nancy said...

Yes friend it does seem that we are in the same place. Do what you must to take care of yourself.

Evelyn said...

My heart goes out to you. Some seasons of our lives are so much harder than others! Hoping you are entering a new season.



Kellyann said... friend...I am so sorry and sad to read your post. I feel for you, I really do. I know that feeling, I do. Congrats by the way on the 50 lb loss!!! That is awesome and you should be praised for that.
Our transition to motherhood is not always the easiest and while we love our children deeply they can also challenge who we are. Just know that you ARE the best mother that you can be and that is ALL your children can ask, that is all anyone can ask. Never doubt your skills as a mother. You and you alone (well maybe your husband too, lol) know what is best for your family.

rebekah said...

Motherhood shakes us to our core. It is entirely unique to each of us, but the common theme is that we are never the same again.

Every decision I make, big or small, is easily sidelined with a look from my child, a need, a want, or a gift to share from them, and I am suddenly heading in a different direction. It's an incredibly twisty journey that I can only hope is heading in the direction I wish for.

I know we've only met once SO FAR! But those few minutes we got to chat last summer left me with such a good feeling about you. Whatever's rocking your world now I don't know, but I do know for sure that deep down, you have it going on. Seriously.

The LaBelle Family said...

Kari, how are you fairing spiritually? I find that when I'm searching for something greater than what I have, I need to focus on spiritual pursuits...more daily Bible reading, personal study, meeting prep, service. The more I put into it, the more I get out of it, and it's always GOOD! I also ask myself how important this will be in, say, 100 years? In fact, not much of what's going on right now is very important, in the big picture, is it? I'll certainly include you in my prayers and hope that things will improve for you, sis. Hang in there...this, too, shall pass. :) Oh, and EAT CHOCOLATE! It's a wonderful thing. :) One piece won't hurt. Great job on the 50 lbs. you've lost! I think I found it. :(

cathy said...

Kari--what an honest and beautiful post. You can't imagine how much I appreciate it. I've had to "ban" certain blogs from my life. Blogs I used to love but over the last year I realized I got sick and tired of their "I just Looooooove motherhood so much and my children are perfect, etc." Of course no one wants to write a gloom and doom blog every day, but I realized those perfect blogs were bringing me down and making me feel bad about my day to day struggles.

I'm sorry it has been a hard season for you and I hope you feel like you're turning the corner in that regard. But the fact that you're working through so much and being real about it makes you such a genuine person. A genuine mom, wife, and friend. Hang in there.

Christina said...

Kari, this post really resonated with me, as well. Wishing you strength and peace as you navigate the sometimes turbulent waters of life and parenthood.

Mama Papaya said...

May what is lost be found. Thinking of you.