Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Sick Day(s)

Yep, that's what it took for me to finally make time to blog again. The girlies and I are both home sick with nasty little colds. Nothing huge, just a challenge when I don't feel good either. But, it did make me reflect on how full circle we have come in the last year. Kya actually woke up sick on Monday, and was SO snuggly when I got her out of bed. She was a ball of snot, but wanted so badly to love on me. She kept trying to kiss me, and would hug me and just plain old wanted her mommy! Finally!!!! I, of course, could not refuse the snot-filled kisses, as I have worked so hard to earn them from her. And, I really stopped to realize where we had finally gotten to.
A year ago you could not have convinced me that this day would ever come. I truly had reached one of the lowest points that I can think of in recent memory. This kid HATED me and all that I stood for. And, she had reason too for all that she had lost. Somehow I represented that for her and she resented me for it, and I resented her constantly rebuffing my efforts. I knew on a logical level that she was right to fight it, but it just wore me out sometimes. I really wondered if we hadn't just ruined her life and ours. I was completely unprepared for the intensity that our life took on for the first 6-9+ months after she came home. And, looking back, I am not sure that I could have done anything more to prepare for it, other than finding support systems ahead of time.

But now, I see her look at me and hear her squeal "Mommy" with one of the sweetest faces I have ever seen. She is so affectionate and snuggly and sensitive. She bounces through our house, finally realizing her place in our family, her forever family. She finally let her guard down enough to really love wide open with all that she is. I am reminded of it when I come home at night and she hurls herself at my legs to give me the hug of a lifetime. And when she cries when Daddy leaves a room, because she is still his #1 fan. Or when she and her sister are sitting side by side giggling at some non-existent hilarious happening. And, it starts to slowly erase the days, weeks and months of struggle when she first came home. It makes the thought of her not being here unbearable and unthinkable. And, it makes me ache to think of how much pain she was going through, and how tough she really is. It is humbling and wonderful and good. It is family.


Heather & Adam said...

Thank you for that comment. I can't wait to hug you.
AND I can't wait to see those girls. I am so proud of you for coming out of those hard months. You guys seem so happy.
Can you BELIEVE our kids will be playing together in a matter of days???!

Nancy said...

Kari, thank you for your honesty. I think it is often misunderstood that babies come with their own set of attachment/bonding issues just like older children.

I don't think I realized this fully until I got to a point like you find yourself now. Suddenly there is a realization that, "hey, she trusts me!" And it is good :)

rebekah said...

Big smiles coming from me!

Wait - you and Heather are getting together? SO ENVIOUS!

Jess said...

You've definately earned those hugs!

leslie and adam said...

Oh Kari, what a great realization. Can't wait to see you (only a few days!) Can't wait to see Kya and B together again!

Mama Papaya said...

Kari, thank you. When you are holding a child who is looking at you with nothing but disdain, it is hard not to feel alone. But that hug. Oh that hug. There is truly nothing better.